I have not been able to dedicate myself entirely to triathlon training this season. So consequently I have had to downgrade or drop my time goals entirely. My sole goal now is to finish.

After mom’s passing, I spent much of August with my family and much of it avoiding friends and colleagues. Avoiding the dreaded question Are you alright? Which naturally leads to crying. Because, honestly, I’m not alright. And I don’t know whether I will ever be OK with it. With her gone.

Pain is a private affair for me. I don’t like to express it outwardly. And, at times,  I find myself cringing when someone extends a hug or even a nice word or two about my mother. It only causes me MORE pain. The only thing that extinguishes pain would be having her back.

After talking with my sisters and Dad, I’ve come to realize that friends only want to help. And all I need to say is Thank You. That’s all.

Because, I will never have her back. Not in my lifetime. But I can choose to remember her fondly. Share stories. And believe she has found peace.

So this weekend, I will jump in the water. Without the expectation to be the best. Look for help along the way. With the goal to finish. Finish strong. That is all.