Who the Hell Are You Again? Keeping Secrets in a Marriage

It sat heavy on my conscience like a bag of marbles. A tiny insignificant secret I kept from the Hubby for over six months.

Fingers clenched tightly in palms and a stomach twisted with anxiety, I looked into his eyes and released the truth.

By mandyxclear, using the Creative Common license

Small or large, secrets hurt. Years of living together, comfortably confident in knowing your partner completely, suddenly you’re dealt an emotional smack to the face that threatens to injure or even end a marriage.

So why do we keep secrets from our loved ones?

A relapse in judgment, concern over disappointing your partner, fear of rejection.

As writer Paulo Coelho once said, what makes people weak is their need for validation and recognition. I agree. I live in a state of hyper-vigilance, avoiding failure at all cost, all because I’m terrified that I won’t be loved if I’m not perfect.

Years of self-refection I’ve come to understand where this belief system may have come from. Growing up in a win-at-all-cost household where only straight A’s where acceptable, I believed I was only worthy of my parent’s love through my accomplishments, successes and by living up to their expectations. So rather than risk disappointing them, I learned to hide things.

I’ve come to understand that failure is a normal and inevitable part of life (and that my parents do love me unconditionally and only wanted the very best for me). And rather than dwell in the past, in a state of self-pity and self-loathing, it’s best to learn from my mistakes and move on. And to celebrate other things apart from success like being considerate, accountable, and above all honest.

By telling the truth, I validate my worth from within. But more importantly, by being true to my Hubby, I experience true love: experiencing the most powerful thing in the world without having to do anything for it.

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